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Ending the Conflict:   

Of all the three, so-called moral values issues°  that so strongly influenced the voters  in the 2004 election, the gay marriage issue is the easiest one in which to find a middle ground where both sides can say,  "We won."   That's not to say resolution will be easy, but relative to the other issues, it is the easiest to resolve.   The proposal offered below will not only take this issue out of the voting booth, it will also create a program that millions of  heterosexuals who are presently living together but not legally married will want to participate in.  

Harder Versus Smarter:   

If your goal is to gaining equal legal rights for all regardless of sexual preferences, then the winning strategy is to work smarter not harder.   

Harder:  If you choose to work harder, after  several years of a expensive, mean and nasty,  freedom-costing, us-against-them, no-holds-bared, all-out warfare, you will probably sort-of succeed.    

Smarter:    If you choose to work smarter, you can bypass all the nasty fighting and simply step into your rightful position and in the process, bring hundreds of thousands (possibly millions)  of equally disenfranchised heterosexuals with you.   The proposal outlined below is about how to work smarter.

The Goals:   

Gays and lesbians are not proposing anything that would  in any way, violate, injure, profane, harm, or do away with the government's secular, legal contract called marriage.   What is being demanded is the rights ( to receive the benefits of a legal contract) that heterosexuals now have.    Millions of heterosexual couples have already signed up for these state-sanctioned, legal contracts.   Gays and lesbians are simply demanding equal rights.   In this conflict, there are three additional goals:  1) to stop the fighting -- to get this conflict behind us,  2) to create something that is positive and constructive, and 3) to generate support for and implement equal rights for both the gay and lesbian community and for the community at large.  

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The Big Question:   

The members of the gay and lesbian community must answer this question:  "Do we want to argue over the meaning of the word 'marriage' or do we want the same legal rights regarding taxes, inheritance, hospital visitation rights, etc. that heterosexual married couples now have?"   

In the strict, legal sense, gays and lesbians are technically correct.   They should be able to ask for and receive the same rights, privileges and responsibilities that heterosexual couples obtain by becoming legally married.   To deny that right is plain and simple discrimination.   Those opposing gay rights have no legal base for their position.

That's all nice as long as you ignore the present-day  social/ political/ religious  context.  Given the emotional content and the mind set of the hard-nosed fundamentalist Christians, it is obvious that they are not about to allow gays to be legally married without a long, costly, mean and nasty, all out war.

So the two main questions are:  1) "Do we want to go to war over the meaning of the word 'marriage'  or do we want the same legal rights regarding taxes, inheritance, hospital visitation rights, etc that heterosexual married couples now have?  and  2)  Do we want to give the bigots who are spearheading the anti-gay movement a rallying cry, or is it more appropriate to steal their thunder and send them off to wage their money-raising war somewhere else?°  The question comes down to this:   

"Are you willing to reach a consensus that allows fundamentalists to have (at least for now) exclusive use of the word "marriage" if you can gain all the legal rights and privileges that heterosexual couples have?

If your answer is yes, here's how to to gain that equality  --  and the responsibility that goes with those rights. 

What Is Marriage?   

Let's begin by understanding  what a marriage is and what a marriage  contract is.   Here are the three aspects of marriage:

1)   The real marriage is the heart-to-heart union, the love,  nurturing, the caring, the sharing, and the commitment  that comes out of that.  The gender of the partners is irrelevant.

2)   The second aspect is the public ceremony and celebration in which the couple publicly express their love and commitment to each other and also where they seek and receive  the love and support of their family and friends.   And here also, the gender of the partners is irrelevant.

3)    The third aspect is the legal commitment for which  most heterosexual couples go to the state and obtain a marriage license.  The gender of the partners should be irrelevant, but in the minds of some, it's not.

For a detailed discussion of marriage we direct readers to  the Marriages of the Heart°  page on our wedding web site.   Readers are specifically directed to the first five sections on that page and particularly to the sections  titled:   Prenuptial Agreements°   and  What is a Marriage License.° 

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"Give and Take"   

To accomplish our goals we will need to assess the present situation,  clearly define our goal,  create a strategy that will win within the present social climate,  take the necessary actions, make mid-course corrections as needed, hold the vision, and continue the process until the intention becomes a physical reality.   

Examining the Situation:

Here's why continuing a frontal assault demanding gay marriage is less than wise, at this time. 

Cultural Heritage:  The idea of marriage as "a union of one man and one woman for life" is part of the cultural heritage of literally millions of conservative Christians.   It has been drummed into their heads since early childhood.   Their belief is based on the Christian Bible which these people have been told is the absolute literal word of God.   They believe God is on their side, and they will do anything to defend their beliefs.   Some of them will even commit murder in defense of their  beliefs.

The Present Social Climate:  The 2004 presidential election gives a clear indication of the mind set in about half of the people in this country.   Eleven states had voter initiatives defining marriage as between one male and one female only.   All eleven passed by a significant majority.   In each of these states, conservative voter turnout was also up significantly.   

Twenty-two percent of respondents to election exit polls said "moral values" was their main concern.   Moral values°  is an all inclusive term for anti-gay rights, anti-abortion, and anti-stem cell research.    

Bush is in the White House for another four years.   Ultra-right wing Republicans are in control of both the House and Senate.   The fundamentalist Christian leaders have been ranting and raving about the gay threat to God and how the follower must defend God's wishes, and now, they are yelling even louder.   A frontal assault in this climate is like swimming upstream in a raging river that has been swollen by a dozen heavy spring rain storms.   

There Is Another Way:  There is an alternate way to get to the same goal.   Symbolically speaking, climb out of the muddy water and travel on the clear pathway that goes along the hillside far away from the raging river.   We'll explain how to do that in real-world-terms in a moment.

The Give Portion of "Give and Take"   

To the people in the eleven states who in November 2004 voted to define marriage as "a union of one man and one woman for life"  we say,  "Good luck and God bless you."   Although technically your religious beliefs should not be codified in secular law,°  at this time, we simply let the matter drop.   (This is a temporary ploy to end the political opposition and steal/silence their thunder.  How this accomplished is explained below)       

With regard to why this is done, here's as an analogy that will make it clear.   Suppose you want to play ball and you throw a ball to me, expecting me to catch it and throw it back to you.    But I choose not to play.   I simply let the ball  fall to the ground and roll  past me.   What happens to the ball game?   There isn't any game and you have to go elsewhere to play.   

The same thing applies to the word marriage.   The anti-gay bigots have thrown you a ball to you called, "We own the word marriage."   You can let the ball lie or you can pick it up and throw it back with and added message saying, "No you don't."   If you want to continue the fight, I suggest you read the section below titled:  The Losing Strategy.   If you are interested in obtaining full rights for all regardless of sexual preferences, I suggest you read the section below titled:  The Winning Strategy.   

The Take:   

Millions of American citizens are simply demanding their right to enter into three-way secular, legal contracts -- contracts between two private individuals and the government -- contracts regarding issues such as hospital visitation rights, inheritance, taxes, child custody, and the like.

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The Winning Strategy:   

The winning strategy is to approach the gay rights issue using a combination of two techniques --  the military concept of hitting the opposition at its weakest point first and the universal principle found  in the answer to the symbolic question, "How do you eat an elephant? --  "One bite at a time."   

Let's look at this topic symbolically.   Imagine a house called  "Equal Rights for All,  Regardless of Race, Religion, Gender, Marital  Status, or Sexual Orientation."   Notice that the anti-gay, Christian followers are either standing blocking the front door, shouting in the front yard, or parading along the street with picket signs.   Notice that the anti-gay leaders are busy rummaging in the garbage containers outside the back door and in the alley looking for more beliefs to spoon feed to their followers.   Using this symbolic analogy, we simply walk in through the side door which is wide open, undefended, and undefendable.   How to do that in real-world terms is outlined below:   

1)  Take enough time to understand the dynamics of this controversy.°    And when you speak out, avoid making the opposition wrong.°   Explain that you honor their religious beliefs regarding sexual orientation because, as we both agree, religious freedom is our God-granted right.   At the same time, remind them that in a healthy society, their is room for everybody's religious beliefs.   Remind them that transferring religious beliefs into secular law is the kind of thing that Osama Bin laden does and that type of behavior is really out of place in America.   

2)    Then back off from the letter of the law and allow the fundamentalist Christians to (at least for now) keep the word, "marriage."   This will make them feel good.   It will end their political ranting an raving.   They can all go home and say,  "We won."  With their emotions quieted down, some of them might even begin thinking about the religious-based bigotry°  that they've been  supporting.   Some of them might even stop the mindless obedience to their religious leaders that has been the hallmark of fundamentalist Christianity for centuries.

3)  With the opposition pacified, do an end-run on them by creating a completely new and separate set of secular laws.   The plan is to create  a separate, independent  law for each right being demanded.   

a)    Examine the marriage and family laws by which heterosexuals agree to be bound when they sign a marriage license.   (Signers are agreeing to be bound by a huge set of government/lawyer-created laws.)  

b)    Take all the desirable aspects from existing marriage codes and put them one by one  into a separate package.   Create each piece as a separate and distinct law that stands by itself.   For convenience, these laws will ( in this proposal and for the present cycle) be collectively called the "Legal Life Partner Package."

c)     Because marriage and family laws were written by lawyers, to the advantage of lawyers, and to serve lawyers, carefully examine the laws you want and leave out anything that does not serve the partners, themselves.

d)    Now that we have a list of clear specific, tangible, doable objectives, decide which specific, proposed law to start with.

d)   Look for the opposition's weakest point.   Find something: 1) that will trigger strong emotions 2) that will generate strong support and/or participation from the heterosexual community and 3)  something that will not cost anybody any money.   

       Hospital visitation rights are probably the best place to start.   Why?   Because millions of heterosexual couples who are living together but are not legally married would also like to have this right.

e)    Draft legislation granting this right to all who choose to sign up for it,  and then go all out to get the law passed in every local, state and federal legislature.   Write the law in simple, direct, straight forward, easy-to-read, and easy-to-understand understand language.  Use short sentences.  Write the entire law as few words as possible.  

Avoid allowing anything that is not directly related to  the letter and intention of this bill to be attached to it.   As part of the bill add a sentence that says, any amendment attached to this bill that is not directly related to  the letter and intention of this legislation shall cause the entire bill to become null and void.  

       This proposed law gives everybody, gays, lesbians, heterosexual, the young, the old, including the widowed elderly, a common ground to stand on.   Who in their right mind is going to oppose a secular law allowing your widowed  grandmother to determine who has the right to visit her in the hospital?

f)    Once hospital visitation rights becomes law, then select the next easiest-to-pass aspect and repeat the process.   Propose laws that make no reference to the word marriage.   Propose laws that in essence say that what two people do in their private lives is their own business.   Address only the legal rights issues.

Present-day marriage contracts are all-or-nothing packages.  This is a major down-side for many people.   On the other hand, our new approach will allow people the option of choosing which aspects of the Legal Life Partners Package  that they want to have for themselves and it will allow them to reject all the parts that they don't want.  

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The Losing Strategy:   

The loosing strategy is to continue the frontal assault on anti-gay bigotry.   To continue fighting over the word "Marriage" is about as wise as riding on the Titanic and fighting over the deck chairs.   If that approach continues, here are some of  things you can guarantee:   

1)   If you give the anti-choice forces this  battleground, you are playing directly into their hands.   Your frontal attack is exactly what they want you to do.   It's what they are expecting; what they are counting on.   The anti-abortions leaders and the Bush ego-atheist team members don't give rat's ass about who can be legally married.   They simply want the war to continue  because it's in the conflict, itself, where they become the big winners°  and not in the end results.  

u   They will use this war to gather hundreds of millions of dollars for for ultra-conservative Christian organizations,  and hundreds of millions more for political advertising.

u   They will use this war as an excuse to inflame their sheep (their followers).  

u   They will use this war to support installing ultra-conservative judges into our court system.    Installing closed-minded conservative judges  into the court system is, by far, the worst downside of having another four years of anti-gay bigotry inflaming the public from the White House.  

u   They will use this war to consolidate their political power, to usurp your power as a citizen, and to push this country several steps closer to a fascist police state.  

u   And most importantly of all,  they will use the anti-gay war to push literally millions of mindless religious sheep into the voting booths.   

2)   The divisiveness that this issue brings will further tear this country apart.   It will divert our attention from other vitally important problems.   The opposition will even attempt to pass a Constitutional Amendment to force their prejudice onto everyone.  

3)   And the main reason why a frontal assault on anti-gay bigotry is a gross looser is because it's not necessary!    We can, with relative ease, create a far superior product without any of these downsides.

The Bottom Line  --  The End Result:   

Once several of these equal-rights laws are past and included as options in the Legal Life Partners Package, we will almost certainly find many heterosexual couples opting not to enter into a traditional legal marriage.   They will choose not to sign up for and be bound by all the rules and restrictions that are in the present-day, family and marriage codes.

Instead many will choose to join the gay and lesbian community and personally select only those parts of the Legal Life Partners Package that suit them.   When that day comes, the fundamentalist Christians are going to be asking, "What's so special about "marriage?"

And one other thing.  When the Legal Life Partners Package, is complete to your satisfaction,  you just might choose to rename the package.   Think of the names you might choose.  What new name could you imagine might be appropriate?   Is it possible that that name just might begin with the letter "M."

End run complete.

"Congratulations Mr. and Mr.  Jones!"    
"Congratulations Mrs. and Mrs.  Smith!"

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The Bigger than Big Picture:   

Step out of the fray with us now and look, for a moment, at the bigger picture.  The real issue in this conflict is not gay rights, it's not abortion rights, it's social transformation.   This is where the  gay and lesbian community are in the perfect position to spearhead a major social change.   

See the page titled:  The Reasonables. °   

We ask you, we even beg you,  1)  stop the war !   2)  simply walk in the side door and take what is rightfully yours, (we will support you in that process), and 3)   join us in the very public battle to dethrone the fraudulent anti-gay, anti-abortion, anti-stem-cell research bigots.   

Join us in the battle to stop these people from forcing unwilling women to become mothers.   The anti-anti-choice war has to be a public confrontation because this is a war against the false-belief peddlers who control millions of mindless Christian sheep.   These agents of darkness hide behind clerical labels and  send out their mindless sheep to do gay bashing, to burn down women's health clinics, and to vote for the obscenity of war that is  presently in control of the American political system.   Come.   Play and work with us.

 Join 
The Reasonables

Thank you!

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