In a stunning reversal of centuries of Papal proclamations, the
Vatican announced today that the Pope really isn’t infallible.
Proponents of this unprecedented declaration, say that our newest Pope, Pope Common-Sense I, is bringing a breath of
fresh air into the Roman Catholic Church not seen since 1517 when Martin Luther
sparked the reformation that moved humanity out of the Dark Ages.
Shockwaves rippled in Catholic churches all around the world.
Saint Louis based, Roman Catholic Archbishop Raymond Burke, the infamous, outspoken
rebel noted for denying Communion to people he doesn’t like, is reported to
have said, “Preposterous! First, they allow parishioners to eat
meat on Friday and now this. The church has gone mad!
Soon they may even say that sex is for more than making babies.”
Our experts on religion tell us that because Pope Common-sense
I was infallible when he made that statement, it must be true.
This clearly indicates that our new Pope has to be a very remarkable man.
Imagine for a moment, being on par with God and intentionally giving that up.
What wasn't made clear
is the status of future popes. Will they, too be
fallible, or does today's declaration apply only to Pope Common-Sense I?
Amid reports of widespread support from lay Catholics and equally
prolific condemnations from the church hierarchy, we turned to the world’s
only living expert on God, Moral Majority founder and archconservative, Jerry
Falwell. Reverend Falwell looked stunned when we asked for his
Apparently he had not heard the news prior to our asking for his
comment. He mumbled something and then became completely incoherent.
His eyes became dazed, and his aides quickly ushered him away. We
are not absolutely certain what Dr. Falwell mumbled, but our lip readers both
agree that it was most likely, “Sh-t! I’ve been upstaged
experts on religion tell us that this is, in one sense, a completely
traditional, papal declaration – a declaration in keeping with Roman Catholic
tradition of making statements that simply do not make sense to the logical,
reasoning mind and then declaring them to be reality.
In response to numerous complaints from men such as the Saint Louis
Hypocrite, Pope Common-sense I
is said to be delaying plans for shifting the present Roman Catholic controlling
structure from its two thousand year old tradition as “a ruthless,
authoritarian dictatorship” to a “Hierarchy of Consensus.” Consensus°
would bring out the wisdom of the greatest minds in the entire Church.
Pope Common-sense I is said to
even have considered listening to the priests, themselves.
In response to the consensus declaration, several priest
complained that consensus management would bring along with it, the
responsibility for individuals to think -- a practice long condemned and
suppressed by church leaders. They also expressed fear that the
parishioners might even begin making unreasonable requests – requests like,
women with respect and stop destroying our children's self-image by telling them
that they are inherently evil.”
When we asked Archbishop Burke about respect for women, he sheepishly
acknowledged that because he didn't own one, he was not aware that women were no
longer considered to be property. And regarding consensus, his only
comment was. "No comment." As the interview was ending, he is reported to
have whispered to an assistant, “What does the word consensus mean?”